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(Video) What to do when trusting your husband feels impossible.

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Unfortunately, there may come a time in your marriage when your husband will say or do things that will remove trust from your relationship.  It doesn’t have to be something as big as an affair or a hidden love child.  Even small infractions of lies or concealing the truth will create a wedge between you and your love.   It creates a pain in you that can grow into a weed of bitterness and resentment.  But with the proper care and guidance, you can overcome every obstacle of distrust that has grown in your marriage.  Healing is definitely possible when two people are willing to work towards it.   Even you can be free from the hurt you feel when trusting your husband feels impossible.

1. Talk to God first

You might want to react!  I know how I am.  Trust is a major issue for me.  You need to trust what he says is true and what he does honors you as his wife.  So when you are put into a position where you discover your Boo has not been as honest or forthright as he should be, you might see red and be ready to burn the house down.

Even though you see red,  you can’t jump and react out of your emotions.  Your 1st response is normally the wrong response.   Why?  Because you will be reacting out of your flesh and emotion.  Reacting out of your flesh will NEVER help you get to a solution that honors God or the resolution your heart truly wants.

Instead of reacting.  Talk to God.  Ask him for:

  • Clarity – God allowed this situation into your life.  Why?  What is the lesson he wants you to learn from this?  What role does God want you to play in this situation?  How does he want you to behave?  What can you do to make sure he gets the glory out of even this situation?
  • Understanding – Ask God to help you see your husband the way he does.  In order for your husband to be dishonest and break the trust in your relationship, there is a struggle going on inside of him.  This issue goes beyond you.  The struggle is between your husband and God.  It shows there is a breakdown in the relationship between your husband and God.  Ask God to give you a heart that can pray for reconciliation between your husband and God.  Pray that he is submitted and dedicated to cultivating a relationship with Christ.  Do this!  it is a major game-changer.  Just in case you didn’t know, as your husband grows closer and closer to God, the better your husband will treat you.  So give your husband to God and commit to praying for him daily.
  • Wisdom – God knows your husband, his heart, and his intentions.  Ask God how he wants you to handle your husband so that you two can make clear decisions about your marriage.    God will tell you exactly what to say and how to say it.  What to do and how to do it.  If you allow God to lead you, you may so that you can begin the healing process.

trusting your husband

2. Get with your circle

You need support during this season.  You need women that are going to pray you through this situation and keep you focused on God, yourself, and your family.  Seek your circle for wise counsel.   Who should be in your circle?

  • Married women that are committed to God and their marriage.  These women are not perfect and definitely do not pretend to have a perfect marriage.  They are transparent about the ups and downs of their marriage and will encourage you to do what is right in your marriage.
  • No “Debbie Downers” or “You can do better than him” friends.  They will destroy your marriage.
  • It would be ideal if your husband’s circle included the husbands of the women in your circle.  This would create a community of believers that surround your marriage in prayer, consistency, and accountability.  Everyone is on the same page speaking the same language of reconciliation and peace in your home.

3. Confront your spouse.

  • Once you are mentally settled, calm and rationale, talk to your husband about your lack of trust.
  • Remain calm throughout the conversation.  This will test everything inside of you.  But, if you want results or a healthy resolve, you must stay calm.  Do not give him ammunition to shut down or not face what he has done wrong.  Check out my post regarding “4 strategies to diffuse arguments in your marriage.”
  •  It is probably time for you two to speak with a professional that can help you through this rough season of marriage.  Check out my services here –>  Marital & Relationship Coaching.   

4. Bring in a 3rd party

  • If he refused to face the issue or you two are unable to come to a healthy resolve, bring in a 3rd person.  This should be a trained professional that can help you navigate through the issue and teach you the skills needed to get to a healthy resolve.  Check out my services here –> Marital & Relationship Coaching

5. Forgive him!    

Yes, beautiful.  I need you to put your big girl panties on and forgive him.  Not for him.  Forgiveness is not for him.  Forgive him for you.  As long as you hold unforgiveness in your heart it will fester and grow like uncontrolled cancer.  It will affect your emotions, cloud your vision, and poison your heart.  Bitterness and resentment will overtake your ability to see hope in your marriage.   When you forgive your husband, you are removing all of those weights off of you.  You are giving yourself the ability to be free.

Forgive him because that’s what God wants you to do.  Ephesians 4:31-32 says, Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.   Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

Don’t confuse forgiveness with trust.  We are instructed by God to forgive.  Forgiveness cannot be earned.  It is freely given.  God freely forgave us.  Therefore we must learn how to freely forgive as well.  Trust is completely different.  Trust is earned.

6. Set up healthy boundaries so that trust can be rebuilt

Set up boundaries and expectations that will start the trust-building process.  Make sure they are clear and the expectations are attainable.  Be realistic and do not allow your emotions to control the rebuilding process.

If he gambled all the family money way or mismanaged funds, it would be wise for you to now manage the finances for your home.

If he had an affair, it would be wise for him to eliminate all interaction with the mistress.  You should have access to his devices so that you can verify he isn’t engaging in any behavior that would lead to an affair.  Remember, if a person has nothing to hide, they shouldn’t have a problem with this.

This is not your opportunity to torture him by being manipulative.  Remember, no matter what happened you must still be Christ-like.     Keep God at the center of this process.  Continue to speak to your circle.  Schedule regular check-ins with a trained professional.  This will not be an easy journey.  But, your marriage and family is definitely worth it.

Stay Blessed Sis!

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