After my third negative pregnancy test, I was just sitting there in my bedroom. I was mixed with emotions. On one side I felt guilty. I’ve already experienced the blessing of giving birth to 3 amazing and healthy little girls. Why am I sad that I am not pregnant again? I felt as though I was being greedy. With so many women that are unable to have children, how dare I feel sad about not begin able to have another child? But, then I felt that sinking feeling of doubt that shook me to my core as the words came out of nowhere. It completely contradicted the truth about God. “God isn’t going to do what He said He would do!”
You see, two years after having my third baby girl, my husband and I decided we wanted to have another child. YES! This won’t be hard. Friends jokingly called me Fertile Myrtle. It seemed like every time John sneezed, I got pregnant. (LOL) So this wouldn’t be hard.
Plus, I was blessed to experience pregnancies without complications. I loved being pregnant. No morning sickness and no high blood pressure. Everything went smoothly for me during pregnancies.
So I flounced on over to my OBG to have my IUD removed. I expected I would be pregnant by the end of the week. Easy breezy. Well, we had a little problem. My IUD was now embedded into my uterus and would have to be surgically removed. What the world???? Ok, ok. No biggie. I’ll just push my due date back to 1 month. (LOL) Yes, I can be very optimistic sometimes.
I followed doctors’ orders and recovery was swift. Now, let’s get this party started. 10 months to baby and let the countdown begin.
Well……..things didn’t go as smoothly as I believed it would. 1 month turned into 6 months. 6 months turned into a year. 1 year turned into 3 years. And, here we are. Me sitting on the couch in my bedroom struggling with the horrible thought, “God isn’t going to do what He said He would do.”
What?! I believe in God. I’m one of those girls that truly, with my whole entire heart, believe that God will part the Pacific Ocean and allow me to walk across. No doubt. He can and will do anything He says He will. But, now I’ve come to the edge of the water….and the water isn’t budging. It hasn’t budged for 3 years. Is God still going to do it? I made the mistake of doing research and found out that one of the complications of an IUD embedded in the uterus is infertility. So I walked away from all thoughts of me getting pregnant. I wouldn’t dare say that I doubt if God could do it. I just accepted ‘I misheard what God said.’
The summer of 2015 was a doozy for me. The Lord had me and my husband transition from full-time entrepreneurs to jumping back into the workforce. We had to sell our house. My youngest was entering kindergarten. Yes, Lord!!! No more daycare fees. So I focused on the long list of things I had to take care of.
Got a full-time teaching job. Check. Found a realtor to sell my home. Check. Found a spacious apartment with an extra room for my home office. Check. Things were going smoothly. Planned two family vacations for 2016 and things were going exactly how I planned. Or at least I thought they were.
I go to my doctor for my annual visit. Nothing major. Just a checkup. Get in, get out, and have dinner with one of my girlfriends. Well, of course, my life changed drastically in the longest 60 seconds of my life when my doctor said “Congratulations! You’re pregnant.”
“Wait??? What???? I’m 40. I am too old to be pregnant. My youngest is now in Kindergarten.” Talk about acting like the children of Israel after being delivered from the hands of Pharaoh. (SMH)
It took me a minute to comprehend what was happening, but, thank God! After what seemed like forever, I was pregnant with who I call “My surprise miracle baby!” God was faithful to what He declared for my life. I am glad He didn’t disqualify me from the blessing because I became filled with doubt. I surely didn’t deserve our miracle, but, God. God’s grace and mercy are not based on what we did or did not do. It is purely based on His love for us and His plan for our life.
It is impossible for Him to lie. It is impossible for Him to lie! So when He says it, you can take that to the bank. It shall come to pass. Philippians 1:6 says “For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.”
God told me that I was going to have another child. It is impossible for him to lie. Numbers 23:19 says “God is not a man, that He should lie, Nor a son of man, that He should repent; Has He said, and will He not do it? Or has He spoken, and will He not make it good?” This brings me joy and peace while I am in the waiting period.
It doesn’t matter if I am waiting a little longer than I expected. Psalm 27:14 “Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!” So I can’t put God on a time schedule and tell God when He needs to arrive. How dare we tell the creator of Heaven and earth that He is “late”, because He didn’t move in our time?
I felt I was too old to have a child. It didn’t matter how many women gave birth to healthy children in their 40’s, I had convinced myself that it was too late. I felt my time surely has passed for me to have another baby. I never said God couldn’t give me another child, but, when I gave up on His promise, that is exactly what I was saying. Plus, I was telling God that He was too late with my blessing. I was just like Sarah in Genesis 18:12 when she laughed at the idea that God would allow her to become pregnant in her old age. Now, of course, we know that Sarah was much older than I was, but, we both had the same spirit of doubt. God responded to both of us in the same manner. Genesis 18:14 Is anything too hard for the Lord? I will return to you at the appointed time next year, and Sarah will have a son.”
God LOVES you and does not want harm to fall upon you. Malachi 3:6 says “I, the LORD do not change. So you, O descendants of Jacob, are not destroyed.” And my all-time favorite, James 1:17 says “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” God isn’t your “shady” friend. One minute they are for you and the next minute they are against you. God consistently loves and adores you. His plan doesn’t change and His heart’s desire remains true. Even when you fall short and or disobey His instructions. His desire is still that you turn from your sinful ways and walk into every blessing He has prepared for you.
I am eternally grateful that God is faithful in spite of who we can be at times. If He had given me what I deserved I would have missed out on the completion of my family. This amazing bundle of joy has changed my life. The blessing I didn’t realize I wanted and needed. We all agree that our baby Angelica was the missing piece to the Hollins puzzle.
Get to a place where you take the limits off of God and allow Him to do what He said He would do in His own timing. He knows what’s best!
My Prayer for You!
Heavenly Father, I pray for my sister that is reading this prayer right now. Where she is broken and confused regarding Your promises, confirm Your word in her. Remind her who she is to You. Let her experience Your loving commitment. Restore her faith in every promise You have spoken over her life. Her waiting is not in vain. Help her to be patient, loving, and kind. Keep her eyes focused on You. Every single promise You have spoken over her life shall come to pass in Your perfect timing.
Sincerely your daughter,
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