This post is probably going to be a little more painful than most of my posts. I am taking a different approach to getting you where you need to be. Why? I’ve learned that when you look in, it changes how you look at others. So buckle your seat belts and grab a pen and a sheet of paper as we discuss “How to forgive your husband when holding a grudge seems easier.”
You might also want to check out this video of my
I must first address the elephant in the room. If your husband has had an affair or is physically abusing you, you must first decide if you are going to stay or if you are going to go. Those are two things that make me stop in my tracks when I am coaching a wife. Take an honest look at your marriage and determine if you are going to stay with your husband. No one can make that decision for you.
Second, regardless of what is going on in your marriage, you have to stop and decide if you are in this for better or for worse. Are you committed to putting in the work needed to have a healthy thriving marriage? You can’t sit on the fence. One day you are willing to do the work and the next day you are filing for divorce.
In order for you to forgive your husband and not hold a grudge, you must first decide if you are going to stay married to him. Get off the roller coaster and make a decision. Are you going to stay and work on your marriage, or are you going to leave? If you are going to stay married to him, then let’s put our big girl panties on and prepare to do the work. Commit to allowing God to do what needs to be done through you and your marriage. Do what it takes to make your relationship work.
Now that I’ve got that out of the way. Lol……There are a couple of questions I want you to ask yourself. Take out a sheet of paper and actually write your answers down. Answer these questions honestly because, in order for you to improve your marriage, you have to take an honest look at your situation.
Let’s define forgiveness. When you forgive you are agreeing to stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense, flaw, or mistake. Based on this definition, forgiveness sounds like it is really for you. Do you really want to walk around angry or resentful? When anger resides, it grows and festers. It turns into bitterness that eats away at your joy. Do you really want to give bitterness an opportunity to grow in your heart?
Hopefully, you are being intentional in your marriage and there is a purpose for everything you do.
Hopefully, you are not holding a grudge as an attempt to punish your spouse.
Identify why you held a grudge and how long you held it. (Write your answer on your sheet of paper.)
Did you get the results you were hoping for? Write your answer on your sheet of paper.)
If you did not get the results you were hoping for…….You definitely want to consider changing your strategy.
So that is #1.
If holding a grudge did not work the last time you held a grudge, stop holding a grudge. This should motivate you to find alternative strategies to resolve conflict. Accepting this should push you towards other strategies.
Now I want you to think about the last time you messed up in your relationship. You did something you weren’t supposed to do. Said something that was hurtful, etc. Write down the last time you did something that affected your spouse negatively.
You have to be honest.
Now ask yourself……What response did you want from your husband? Not what response he actually gave you. But, when you were wrong and hurt him, how did you want him to respond to you?
Should your husband hold a grudge against? Did you want him to withhold affection or love towards you? Let’s not forget about the silent treatment? Did you want him to without sex? What about him yelling at you? Curse you out? Throw things at you?
Most likely, the answer is no to all of these questions. You most likely wanted him to offer you a little grace and forgive you for what you did or didn’t do. You didn’t want him to hold it against you for an extended period of time.
So why would you do that to him?
You don’t want him holding a grudge against you. Don’t do it to him either.
I want you to embed in your brain that you will treat your husband the way you would like to be treated. So in the instance of forgiveness, forgive him the way you want to be forgiven.
For starters, we have to follow the word here. The bible tells us to forgive our brothers and sisters if they sin against us. So we still have to forgive him.
But, set up healthy boundaries. When you are not mad, have a calm conversation with your spouse about his offenses.
a. Pray about the situation. Ask God to give you clarity regarding the issues. Is it really worth you bringing it up? Remember, we have to choose our battles. Also, ask God to soften your husband’s heart and prepare him to receive what you are saying.
b. Schedule a time to speak with him about your concerns.
c. Make up in your mind to be Speak calm and don’t get emotional.
d. Start the conversation with a prayer.
e. State the facts and how the issue makes you feel. Use “I” statements. You don’t want him to feel attacked.
f. Allow him to express himself. Listen while he speaks.
g. Come to a healthy resolve. You might not get 100% of what you want, but, you two should get to a position where you both agree. The resolution should be bearable and doable.
There are 3 options.
#5 – Grab a mentor.
Identify someone you can go to when you are having those moments when you don’t want to forgive your husband. You will call on this person when you are struggling and want to be unforgiving. There are specific rules for this.
**I believe in marriage! My husband and I have experienced many ups and downs. But after 16 years of marriage and 4 children, we know without a shadow of a doubt, that marriages can be restored. If you are currently struggling in your marriage, I would love to help you, your spouse, and your marriage.
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