A Mom’s Fear While Raising Daughters!
“Oh my! You have 4 daughters??? Those teenage years are horrible!” This is a common phrase I hear over and over again. Yes, I have four AMAZING daughters. They are 13, 11, 7 and 1 years old. They each have their own personality, but, they are all STRONG. So whenever I engage with other moms and they hear about my tribe, their look of worry and grief for me is extremely evident. Most moms will begin to tell me their horribly tragic stories of how one of their biggest fears came true. Their daughters became a dreaded teenager and hated them.
I believe most moms have this overwhelming desire to be close to their daughters. You want to be the voice of reason when they need guidance. To go shopping and do girlie things with them. You pray for a healthy balance of being an effective mom while still building a healthy relationship where your daughter feels she can talk to you.
Why do we do this? Because of our relationship with our own mothers. Whether we like it or not, our mothers or absence of our mothers determine how we view motherhood. You see, my mom died when I was 12. I was the oldest and I wasn’t the favorite. Don’t get me wrong. My mother was an AMAZING mother! My truth was there were two other siblings after me that needed her hugs and her kisses. I had to be mature because my baby brother required a lot of attention due to challenges he experienced as an infant. Mom did the best she could to take good care of us all, but, I often longed for the hugs and kisses too.
My mom was an old school black mom. Black mothers and daughters didn’t really do too much talking back then. She was the mother and I was the daughter. Girl talk or mother/daughter moments did not happen. I also lost her too early to even truly create those mother/daughter moments.
So when motherhood became an option, I asked God for girls. Like most parents, I wanted to fill in the gaps that I believed I missed out on. Doe-eyed and bushy tailed running into motherhood with my Super Mom cape on like I was going to revolutionize raising girls.
Then my daughter turned 13……and hormones began to rage. AACK!! Who is this child and where is my sweet baby girl. lol
While in the middle of one of those “We are both hormonal” weeks, I was able to binge watch my favorite show “This Is Us” on Hulu. The relationship between Kate and her mother is one of my biggest fears. From the outside looking in, Rebecca seems to be an amazing mom. Doting on each of her children. Trying her best to make sure they all have what they need. Unfortunately, Kate blocks her mother out of all areas of her life and they do not have a relationship. You watch Rebecca try her best to nurture and be there for Kate, but, all it does it make Kate put her guard up more and more.
During one scene, while Kate is giving her mother a hard time, Rebecca speaks her heart to her daughter. Rebecca shared her story of how rocky her relationship was with her own mother. She always dreamed of having her own daughter because she wanted to do things a different way. Like most of us moms, she wanted to be the mother with arms wide open waiting for her daughter to fall into them. She was committed to being there for Kate. Rebecca wants to make sure Kate knew “Mom loves you and I want to be here to support you.”
Isn’t this what most moms want? We just want to be there to nurture and guide our daughters as they grow, learn and discover who they are in this crazy world. So when we run into those seasons where they pull away from us, it can be gut-wrenching. My goal is to prevent the darkness those teenage years could bring.
Here are 5 strategies you can implement before you even get to those teenage years with your daughters:
- Pray for your daughter daily. Pray that she grows in understanding, has balanced emotions, experiences joy that only God can give, cultivates Godly relationships, values herself, knows who she is in Christ, etc, etc, etc. 1 Peter 5:7 says “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” Present every area that you are concerned about to God in prayer.
- Create healthy boundaries from the beginning. Do not wait until they are 13 years old to enforce rules and regulations. It isn’t too late at that time, but, you have just made your journey extremely hard. They have to know how far they can go. They need limits in their life. It creates safety and balance for them. It teaches them the importance of respecting authority. Yes, they will fight it and say they don’t want limitations. They want to be free and do whatever they want. But, you are the adult. You know how dangerous this world is and you must begin to set boundaries for them early.
- Create an atmosphere where your child feels “safe” coming to you with their concerns, questions, and fears. Sometimes our children come to us with situations and we “jump”. We jump to fix the problem, we jump to be angry, we jump to fuss…..we just jump too fast in every direction other than what is going to create a safe environment. James 1:19 says “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” This is very important in every relationship you are cultivating and is ESPECIALLY important when parenting girls.
- Set an example and model behavior you want your child to duplicate. Kids have radar for hypocrites and fake adults. No one says you have to be perfect. Just be authentic. Allow them to see your flaws, imperfections and how you allow God to mold you into a woman of God.
- Give them space. This can be hard if you are a Momma Bear like me. You are so involved in everything going on in their life. When your teenager moves towards independence, it could shake your foundation. But, it is ok. Relax and breath. They are trying to identify who they are in this world. You have to allow them to grow during this season. If you have created a safe environment for them, they will run towards you when they need guidance.
Those teenage years do not have to be extremely painful. It is possible to enjoy this season with your daughters as you grow into the amazing women God created you to be. Be patient and keep God at the center of everything you say and do.
My Prayer For You…
Heavenly Father, I pray for my sister that is reading this right now. I pray that you would help her to be the mother you have created her to be. Allow her to walk in grace, love and mercy. Remind her of how important her role is as a mother and that YOU will guide her through this journey. Create a lasting relationship between her and her daughters. Remove any walls that are separating them and replace it with love and understanding. Heal all broken areas and build effective communication between. Most importantly, be present in their lives daily and do what no man could ever do for them.
Sincerely your daughter,
P.S. Grab your free copy of ” Restore My Soul Daily!“. This is a must-have for every mom. It will speak life into your current situation and bless your socks off! Click here to grab it now –> Restore My Soul Daily!
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