Differences in marriage are inevitable. You two will have disagreements. Why? Because, you are two people with different upbringings, expectations, and ways of thinking. But, there are healthy ways to express your different opinions without war breaking out in your home. Here are 4 Strategies To Diffuse Arguments In Marriage!
Remain Calm! Do not pop off, get loud or be dramatic in your expression. This is HARD for me because I am a New Yorker. We are dramatic in how we express ourselves. I am always telling people you can see two friends talking on the corner in New York and think they are angry at each other. But, they could be having the best time ever just catching up with each other. Dramatic representation is my gift. Get ready for an exciting time with lots of laughs and animated conversation. LOL This can also be a bad thing. When I feel offended or hurt……whoa unto you. That same animated and playful conversation can seem very intense. It can be intimidating and completely shut the other person down. This eliminates any opportunity for a healthy dialogue.
Try your best to remain calm during disagreements. You can not argue how you feel. That isn’t up for debate and also cannot be challenged. Express how you feel just so the person can understand how you feel. But, you can not use them as a defense. Why? Because other people can not control how you feel or how you receive their actions. They could actually mean well in their intentions and didn’t want to hurt or offend you. So when you are offended, it is better to discuss the facts.
Use phrases like: “You said _________. This made me feel ______.”
Truth moment, I can be sweet as pie and give you my favorite pair of earrings. But, I can also be petty and I don’t fight fair. If it was biblical, I would say that sarcasm was one of my spiritual gifts from God. My mouth has gotten me into a lot of trouble and hurt many feelings over the years. It gets even worse when I am hurt. It is my defense mechanism to protect that 6-year-old little girl in me that just wants to be safe. Once I feel like I have been backed into a corner, I come out with guns blazing a verbal assault on whoever has backed me up. Controlling my mouth is on my “To Do” list daily.
There will be times in your marriage when your spouse will say or do something that warrants a verbal assault. Don’t Do It! Verbally assaulting your spouse will not create the blissful union you want to have in your marriage. It will do the exact opposite. It will create a gap of distrust, hurt, and resentment that will push you two further apart. No name-calling, insulting, or taking jabs at the in-laws.
Stay calm. Be rational. Say only what you would like to be recorded saying. Pretend someone has their camera phone recording your entire dialogue and will share it on all social media outlets. Don’t say anything that will embarrass or create an unfavored reputation for yourself or your spouse.
We’ve all been there, one misunderstanding turns into a verbal war. Or maybe that is just me. LOL If you are not careful and allow a heated discussion to continue, an uncontrollable argument can ensue. No one is listening to the other. Both people are yelling to be heard. Resolution is impossible in this environment. Peace has walked out the door. War grabbed some popcorn and sat its happy hips right on your couch.
You have to learn to end the conversation before it gets to this point. You know when it is spiraling down a dark alley. Stop before it gets there. You and your spouse must come up with predetermined signals to let the other person know the conversation is out of control. Do not try to identify these in the middle of an argument. This should be identified while you are both calm and rational.
This simple phrase will de-escalate most arguments. Most of the time, the injured person just wants to be heard and understood. An apology and ownership for what you have done is icing on the cake. Don’t allow your foolish pride to keep you from having a peaceful marriage. Pride will destroy the love you can be sharing with your spouse. You have to decide if you want your ego to remain intact or do you want peace in your home. Do you want to cuddle on the couch with your pride, or your Boo? Hopefully, you choose your Boo.
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