My identity in Christ was somewhat jaded most of my life. My surroundings, the negative words I’ve heard, the horrible relationships I’ve endured and the pain I wore like a blanked caused me to feel I was unworthy of God’s unmerited love. Don’t get me wrong, there are lives that were experiencing much more pain than mine. I saw them every day. So to add to my darkness, I felt guilty. Guilty for feeling down, needing more and walking around in this fog. I had a blessed life on the outside. That’s what it looked like. But, there was an internal war going on inside this broken vessel that just wanted to feel loved.
I felt I had to be someone else in order to truly gain love. Eventually, that misunderstanding drifted into my thoughts of God. Surely I have to be someone else in order to gain his unconditional love. That in itself is a major contradiction. His word clearly says in Deuteronomy 7:9 Know therefore that the LORD your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations.
But, instead of going to God, I searched for love from people and things that were not capable of filling the void I had. Addictions, relationships, bad habits, etc, might make you feel better for a minute. But, the dust always settles. Leaving you feeling worse than you did when you started. The failed relationships that repeatedly broke my heart, reinforced my belief that I was also unworthy of Gods love. Because of the struggling relationship I had with my earthly father, I also felt I wasn’t good enough for God’s love either.
I was just a chocolate girl from the Bronx that just wanted to be loved. I wanted someone to choose me first. Someone to tell me how valuable I was to them. To cherish and treat me like a princess should be treated.
You see, there was always a small whisper inside of me that said I was royalty. Not in a vain type of way. Just a little light that twinkled deep in the back of my mind that reminded me that I was special. But, my surroundings and situations didn’t reflect this.
It wasn’t until I got fed up with this darkness I had hovering around my life. Tired of the roller coaster of joy vs. pain the enemy used to torment me. Sick of who I allowed the world to make me be. I felt uncomfortable in my skin and needed to be free.
I remember it just like it was yesterday. While watching an award show on TV, an artist got on the stage with just a guitar. I had never heard of him before. He began to sing these words…
Jesus take from me
All the pressure, pressure, pressure
To be someone that you did not create
Help me be me
And only see you
Let me decrease
And glorify you
You would have thought Jesus himself was standing in front of me removing the scales from my eyes. I found that song “Pressure“ by Jonathan McReynolds on youtube and played it all day every day for weeks. This was the beginning of my process of really allowing God to show me who I was in him and accepting him as my loving father.
I learned a couple things about my father during that season and I really want you to accept these truths for yourself.
I don’t care how bad your relationship is with your earthly father is or was. I need you to know and believe that your heavenly father sincerely adores you! You can’t do anything to earn it. You don’t have to dress a certain way or be from a certain side of town. God longs for you to know and accept his unconditional and unmerited love.
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Lord, I pray for my sister that needs more of you. Bless her with the understanding that she is your prized possession. You adore her and are aware of everything she is experiencing. Heal her heart where it is broken and restore her faith in you. Stabilize her emotions and give her a clear view of the destiny you have set for her. Allow her to feel your unfailing love and remind her of who you created her to be.
Sincerely your humble daughter,
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5, father, girl, truths