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(Video) “5 Easy Tips To Getting Your Spouse To Finally Hear Your Complaints”

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Unfortunately, many of us have been in this boat.  An issue arises. We try to talk to our spouse about the problem and possible solutions.  They either tune us out, Ignore us, Ask us to stop nagging or challenge everything we say.  Don’t feel bad sweetheart, you are not alone.  We’ve all been there.  My sister calls me the “Pop Off Princess”.  I can be sweet as can be, but, press the right button…KABOOM!!!   Over the years, after much prayer and fasting (lol),  I’ve learned to adjust and respond more appropriately.  So let me share with you my “5 Easy Tips To Getting Your Spouse To Finally Hear Your Complaints”.

1.  Do not try to talk to him as soon as he walks in the door.

I need you to treat him the way you would like to be treated when you first walk in the door.  When you walk in from a long day of work, you don’t want someone to jump in your face giving you a long list of things you’ve done wrong.  You want some time to get your mind together. Give him the same opportunity.

Instead of attacking him with your concerns, tell him you would like to speak with him about something that is bothering you.  Then, ask him when is a good time for you two to speak.   This gives him the opportunity to unwind and prepare himself to give you his undivided attention.

2.  Before you speak to your spouse about your complaints, get clear and focused.

  • Remember to stay calm and rational. This is not the time for you to yell at him.  If you start yelling, you risk him shutting down, becoming defensive or your “conversation” turning into a shouting match.   When two people are yelling, neither is being heard.   If you want to be heard, speak calm and focus on the goal which is a solution to your concern.
  • Get clear.  Identify exactly what you want to talk about.  No rambling or talking about 10 different issues.   Don’t throw a list of concerns at your spouse at one time.  This can feel overwhelming.  Only focus on 1 topic per conversation.  Don’t overwhelm him with everything he did last week.  Just one topic at a time.
  • Try not to talk to him while you are aggravated.  This will help eliminate the chances of you speaking out of your emotions.  

3.   When it is time to talk express how you feel about the situation.  Why?

Be honest!  Are you really mad?  Or are you hurt and scared? Sometimes when we have been hurt by someone or are scared that they will hurt us, our natural emotional reflex is to protect yourself through anger.  Be honest and identify your proper emotions. Then discuss those feelings.  Your feelings are not debatable.  Your feelings are your truth about your current situation.  Start the conversation with “I feel……….”

Bonus – Don’t play the blame game during this conversation.  He will immediately become defensive and you won’t get the results you are aiming for.

4.  Be specific about what behavior bothered you.  

Describe the specific behavior or situation that bothers you.  Don’t attack their character. Just focus on the specific ACT that bothers you.  What exactly did they say, not say, do, or not do that upset you?  Focus on the behavior and not the character.  Why?  And act can be modified.  It is tangible and measurable.  It is clear and direct.  He either DID something or DID NOT do something.  That is direct and can be adjusted.  

For example,  if your husband didn’t text you all day yesterday, that is a measurable act.  You can’t measure his “concern” for you during the day.  Or how much he cares for you.  But, you can directly measure communication through text and make modifications.

5.  Make one request.

Tell him exactly what you believe will fix the problem.  What exactly can he do to help you feel better about the situation?  If you feel unloved because he did not text you at all yesterday, ask that he texts you at least once a day to check-in.  This is direct and tangible.  Men understand clear directions.  Instead of saying “I want you to show me you care about me.”   say, “I would love to receive a text from you each day.  It lets me know that you care and are thinking about me.”

Also, make sure your request is doable.  Be realistic.  You know how much money your husband makes and what your monthly expenses are.  Don’t request that he take you to an expensive restaurant if you know he can’t afford it.  Make sure you give him options that he can actually accomplish

 

 

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